The Topic Everyone Wishes They Could Ignore.

It’s weird how something like infertility still feels so hush hush even though so many women suffer from it.

I cluster this topic with mental health because it is just as taboo to talk about even though it is becoming more discussed.

How can these two very difficult but common issues still be so unpalatable for people to consume?

I suffer from both of these unpalatable struggles…

With that being said I hate that both of the issues feel off the table when it comes to talking to others.

We speak out but still feel silenced since they are such deep points to discuss.

This isn’t going to just be about mental health and how infertility are one.

There are probably others who don’t suffer as much from the mental health side of it.

I suffered from both. Infertility just makes the mental health part worse.

I wanted to talk about a lesser discussed part of infertility the guilt.

As you can already tell this isn’t going to be a touchy feely type of discussion.

I would apologize but there is nothing an apologie is needed for.

I want to take a moment to focus on the apologizing aspect of this matter.

So often we apologize for our struggle like it is the world’s biggest inconvenience.

I have had to learn that my hurt isn’t something that should be wrote off just because I feel it might not be an easy thing to chat about.

Yes, I am in therapy… (and no there is nothing wrong with getting help!)

I wanted to put in words what some people who are also suffering with infertility are dealing with on the daily.

These are my thoughts and feelings and if you know someone else dealing with this struggle please reach out to them to see what might help or even hurt them while they are processing everything.

We are not all the same and we all handle things differently so this isn’t a self help book but more of a eye opening guild on how people deal with a tricky topic in different ways.

While in therapy I cried to my therapist asking how do I process happiness, sadness, anger, envy, disappointment, and guilt all at once.

For people that has never had to deal with something like this I just want to say I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.

The most important part of all of this is the fact I HATE when people tip toe around me because they are scared they are going to hurt me.

This is what I wanted to focus on the most!!!

For Me, I am so thankful that people are considerate of my circumstance. I appreciate that people don’t just throw the baby topic in my face when something that sweet and precious happens.

What I don’t like is people feeling like they can’t come to me about their pregnancies or that they are trying.

Here is how I like to be handled in an optimal world…

If you are pregnant or know someone is and are about to make a big announcement that I am about to see I would love if someone took the time to message me or speak to me directly.

Lets act this out…

“Hey friend there is something that I wanted to discuss with you. I am unsure how I need to address it but I wanted to come to you and chat.”

I would respond something like, “hey, yeah what’s going on?”

“I just wanted to give you a heads up that I’m pregnant and I am not telling people about it right now but if you see me acting weird that’s what is happen right now.”

(Do you see how I don’t want them to apologize or feel bad. I want them to just be mindful and upfront.)

My response??? “You’ve got to be kidding me!!!!! That’s amazing. I’m so freaking excited!!”

(Is this ever me being fake excited? NO!)

I love seeing my friend and family achieve their goals/hopes/unexpected surprises!

Let act out a situation that causes me hurt…

• opens socials: Instant baby post from someone I’m close to. The million of congratulations and it feels like it’s a punch in the gut. All of this to say, I’m not on everyone’s mind when they are about to hit post and that’s completely ok. People don’t mean to hurt you when they are excited. They just want to share in their joy. I won’t lie and say those post don’t rip me to my core. I have to process all of those emotions at once verses having a head up to process such a big and exciting matter.

One of my biggest issues that I’m trying to tackle now in therapy is feeling that my journey and struggle isn’t that bad, so I shouldn’t feel sad or upset in any way.

That is wrong!

I am going on 2 years of trying and I constantly say “we haven’t been trying for long so I shouldn’t feel this way.”

I discredit my own feeling as a way of dealing with my circumstances.

The thing with infertility that I have learned while talking to a therapist is pain is pain. Some things might seem worse than anothers but pain is pain!

So yes it is heartbreaking that people try for 15+ years but it still doesn’t matter if it’s been a month the feeling of seeing a negative pregnancy test still hurts. Some couples have had to suffer longer but a broken heart is a broken heart no matter how it gets broken.

I don’t know if I will ever be a biological mom and that’s ok.

I have had to learn it’s ok to grieve the idea and the posible fact that I might not ever get that chance.

I used to bully myself because I knew I wanted to adopt from a very early age so why am I so hurt over not being pregnant?

I didn’t know that it’s normal to have that ache and to grieve.

Two things can be true at the same time. You can long to conceive and not be able to and you can also long to adopt.

Two other things also can be true too… You can grieve both. Adoption isn’t an easy route either. Things can fall through. You deserve to mourn what breaks your heart.

These things tie into the topic of guilt.

Guilt in infertility can show up in many ways.

• Feeling like a failure that your body isn’t doing the one thing it was destined/created to do.
• Being unable to continue a bloodline (so the family name dies) (people forget when you adopt the name still gets passed on but we will leave that for another day.)
• Being upset with yourself that you feel so many emotions when dealing with other’s happiness.
• And so so many more!

Infertility is a messy messy thing that each person navigates in their own way.

Reach out and have that difficult discussion.

Your short period of awkwardness is what the ones struggling right now might need.

We need people to see us.

We need people to care for us how we individually need to be cared for.

There is not an official guild to tell you how to tackle everyone that is dealing with this.

We are all trying to figure out how to deal with something that shouldn’t even be a struggle to begin with.

So be gentle and kind to the ones you know or might not know who are struggling.

Just remember just because someone is trying doesn’t mean they aren’t also struggling.

To the ones who knows this sad journey we will get through this and all your feelings are valid and worthy of feeling.

Much Love,

Jennisha.